CEO

I have never held a position of authority professionally, but I am the CEO of this family. It is a lonely and daunting place to be. Maybe it's because my "employees" are all under five, or maybe it's because I NEVER feel like the decisions I make are right or good. I worked in a restaurant for 10 years and thought that insanity like that couldn't be duplicated. Wrong. Even without the sexual overtures, this household would bring any busy business to it's knees in noncompliance, drama, and disorderly conduct.
Like any good CEO, I will be specific. Let's talk about the potty. We have, on the one hand, the five-year-old that will not, under any circumstances, wipe his own ass, even if that means sitting on the toilet and hollering for an hour. On the other hand, we have the not-quite-two-year-old who adores the potty and everything that goes into it. "PEE-PEE," he screams (because he screams everything), while splashing it around.
Or maybe the behavioral issues would resonate better with you. We have, in Cubicle A, the best employee ever. She is coachable, independent (but not TOO independent), mild-mannered, and sweet. In Cubicle B, we have the Mid-Level Manager, the guy who loves rules and loves fucking with the little guys. In Cubicle C, we have the Party Animal, the guy who might steal your lunch, punch a hole through your computer, or poop on the desk, just to shake things up. You can see where the CEO might struggle, right?
Anyhoo, I am looking forward to the day that this horrible power structure becomes a nice, peaceful democracy. Until then, I am going to withhold pay and yell as much as I can.