Hottie Police

Jack would like to know the technical definition of the word "sexy." He'd also like to suggest that his three-year-old sister dress as a "hottie police" for Halloween '10. I realize that parents are NOT lying when they say that kids grow up so fast.

Fast, indeed! What the FUCK?! I tried describing sexy as scandalous, slightly naughty, and desirable. I also tried to explain that "sexy" to one person might not be sexy to another. For example, a nap is so deliciously sexy to me; not so much for him.

How do you explain sexy without explaining sex? I always thought I'd be so Euro in my sex talks with the kids, like throw down ALL the technical jargon right away when they're two so that by the time they're 13, "fellatio" will be old news. But now the time has come to cough up even the smallest hint of info, and I tell him that NAP=SEXY.

The furry handcuffs and vibrating baton look extremely age-appropriate for a 1st-grader who is really into law enforcement and is already probing for details about how PRECISELY he should go about getting an interview for the Police Department, but it is super wrong for my baby girl.

We opted for princess over hottie police, and Jack will be a Lego Bionicle. I would love to have heard the conversation between the parent and the 2nd-grader who dressed as Snooki for the Halloween Hop last week, though. If "sexy" is hard to describe, how do you describe "skanky?"

Clumpy Wet Paper

After his initial missteps at seduction (Lady Speed Stick applied liberally to face and arms), Jack had more luck today. Before meeting up with his favorite girl, he showered, brushed his teeth, ate a mint, and requested Binaca (which we would have given him if this was 1988). And I believe I heard him calling her "Your Highness." A real ladies man in training.
We enjoyed a beautiful walk through the dog park with some friends. Joey watered the garden, Major Bonz experimented with controversial Black Face, and the kids pumped some iron.
I also polished the chandelier, which is Reason #219 that an old-ass house sounds way more glamorous than it really is (right after painting the crown molding), which resulted in Burning Hand Syndrome from the chemicals.
And lastly, Joey shredded several feet of toilet paper into his bath water, because nothing says fun like clumpy wet paper.
Ah, another day in the life of the Zautners.