This may be the first installment of a million-part series on gym-related pet peeves. I have an extensive list of pet peeves, ranging from the yoga farters to the naked hair dryers, from the grunters to the floaters.
1. I love to lap swim. In addition to the valid posted rules like "Do not remove band-aids in the pool" and "Do not swim with communicable diseases" I would love to see something about snorkel gear and the pool joggers. On a technicality, if you are wearing a snorkel or your feet don't leave the ground, you are NOT lap swimming and you should immediately go back to the warm pool filled with kids' piss. Also, if you don't want to get your permanent wave wet, you MUST return to dry land. I once had a throwdown with a whole pack of angry seahags in Aquasocks because my swimming - in the pool in the lap lane - was too "splashy," which it was not. I swim like a manta ray, all grace. If only I could transfer this grace from the pool onto land OR from the pool to my conversations with angry retirees. It all went sour when I suggested they try Silver Sneakers next time.
If you choose to split the lane as opposed to circle swim - I am SUCH a fan of this concept - a 50/50 split is desirable. The 90/10 split where you actually float diagonally without creating any forward momentum is marvel of physics. It is also NOT lap swimming. Back to the warm pool, Agnes.
2.I am no prude, and I am relatively comfortable with nudity. But sometimes it is absolutely gratuitous. There is no earthly reason you need to be naked for aggressive blow-drying. These wayward breasts swinging around the locker room would just as easily tuck into the towel around your waist.
3.Thou shalt not fart into your yogi neighbor's face during down dog. There is nothing serene or tranquil about your half-digested roast beef being blasted into the crowded room. Namaste.
4.Mild B.O.=sexy. Fecal matter, fungus foot, cigarette smoke=less sexy.
Help me out. What am I missing?
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